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Babelfish, the famed online translator, can take any paragraph of text and turn it into a laugh riot. Simply take the text, translate it from English to German to French to Dutch to Japanese and back to English. The result? Comedy gold. For example, take the first few paragraphs of this lovely prose by Bill O’Reilly and run it through the laugh machine. Here’s what you end up with:

In first class of the school of Long Island St. Brigid, the Catholic church is established and is high in either one he “the stone” being to be, including me in 60 boys, sisters which is made is praying to St. Peter. I me was 6 years old, but being the recall to do, liking St. Peter who the naturally, makes good sisters happy greatly it cannot remember many from that. Now, 50 years or more after the praying my first class, in the St. Peter’s successor America there is here, I possess complicated frame of mind concerning that. Like the American of some 1000000 Catholic follower, I was disappointed deeply with the Vatican to the scandal of pedophilia of the priest response. It was overturned with respect to the crime whose slow pope two world really is large due to the new England priest, fact of the easy work of Rome that almost was inexcusable it gave remuneration to the basic law of Bernard.

Duganz (of duganzat23.blogspot.com), Karf and I had many-a-chuckle over this. We just may be easily amused.

Alright, television. I don’t like you and you sure as hell don’t like me. How do I know this? There is a show on at this VERY minute (probably not while you are reading this, but while I’m writing it happens to be true…) that is infuriating beyond belief.

I’m looking at you, NBC, and your hell-spawn of MY DAD IS BETTER THAN YOUR DAD. I don’t even know if that’s the correct title. I’m too angry to look it up. The reason why Karf told me that I’m blogging quite furiously right now… The reason why this show will eventually destroy all that is good and decent about mankind… THEY ARE ASKING QUESTIONS THAT NOBODY AT HOME CAN POSSIBLY ANSWER.

Unless you happen to know these kids and their insipid parents, there is no possible way you can use your brain while watching this mess. They are asking the dads questions about their own offspring. How the crap am I supposed to know what Junior’s favorite number is? Why do I give two flying craps? I don’t! Shut up, television! I hate you! I don’t know what the kid’s favorite saying is. I’d guess “LOL” but that was obviously incorrect. Dad knew the answer. And guess what… SO DID HIS KID.

And the coup de grace… the kid actually SMILED when the moron emcee read off the correct answer. All Dad had to do was look at his little monster to see what the answer was. Dad could be neglectful and ignore his kid all day but it won’t matter ’cause he can cheat his way to victory on MY DAD IS BETTER THAN YOUR DAD.

I’m calming down a little bit because it’s 9:02 and the danger has passed. Although, I do want to mention one more thing about this: the music. Yes, we’re talking Who Wants To Be The Weakest Link vs. 100 SUSPENSE-O-THON standard score that is all-too-depressingly familiar to the awful prime time game show circuit.

“For $10,000: What is your son’s……… favorite food?” (synth orchestra sweep)

“Is it A: Alaph-bits” (cymbal brush)
“B: French toast”(dee-dee-dee)
“C: Pizza rolls” (kid giggles nervously)
“D:  Cookies” (drum roll begins to build)

“Uhh… gee… I dunno… D? Cookies?” (music builds to a crescendo)

“Do you want to lock in your answer?” Yes. They have to lock in their answers.

“Yes. My son likes cookies. D.” All the while the kid is shaking his head and looking at the floor. Music breaks.

“Sorry. It was  C. Pizza Rolls.” (Awwwwww….)

Thanks Dad. You are the definition of fail. I don’t even care if that other dad is better than you. For all I care, I am an orphan.